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Forsaken identity

Sometimes, I hate to have good times, they hurt harder when they become memories.

When I left that place, I felt drained especially when the car moved ahead and the gates of that place slowly dimmed out of sight and as the plane taxied to take off. A sense of increasing hollowness filled me. As though my bones were being emptied off their marrow, as though my veins were being drained off their blood.

It pained me. I wanted those times back so badly. Not just the people I knew but even the ones I didn’t. I wanted the same setting to continue. Everything to be right at its place. To help me keep the same routine. It is funny how we get attached not just to people, to things, to experiences but also to routines.

It is probably because these routines are so exciting and potent in themselves, they have the power to keep giving you great times. The past two years of routine had the power to give me days and nights with friends; no rules, no curfews. The chance to have a holiday of a lifetime in the form of a student exchange program. The leeway to get away with asking for money from our parents and with sleeping till noon time because we were “Padhnewale bacchey”.

It is difficult to tell yourself to move on. But you could console yourself by saying , just as your mother would say, that you had the courage to enter this era only when you gave up on the previous one.

Memories keep taking me back but we must move on as I know somewhere in my mind that the next phase is going to be as exciting as the previous was. I feel sad to betray my past, to compare its beauty with that of my future but I do the best I can to honor it- I am giving this time between the two to miss and mourn the bygones. Best justice that I can give for I know I will be ready in sometime to face the next and I know it will be just as good or maybe… even better?

Because that place was as addictive as Hotel California maybe. 🙂

There, I leave behind a part of me. I hesitate and part with that identity.

Last thing I remember, I was
Running for the door
I had to find the passage back
To the place I was before
“Relax, ” said the night man,
“We are programmed to receive.
You can check-out any time you like,
But you can never leave!

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